And now, the news:
Everyone hates everyone.
"It's all about love!" says demagogue as followers commit massacre.
Protect yourself with perpetual panic.
Not getting enough sleep? Try new iLid Screens!
People are ignorant, selfish, short-sighted, and violent.
"Put your faith in us," order people all of the above, and then some.
THE SKY IS FALLING!
Fall prices are sky-high!
Economic growth means everyone gets richer by the day!
(Except you.)
Click NOW for sexy retouched photos of nonexistent archetypes!
"The Earth is dying, and it's all your fault," say jet-setting plutocrats.
Billionaire donates .0001% of monthly income; hailed as philanthropist.
Clickbait scams on the rampage - click HERE to protect yourself!
Charity revealed as money-laundering scheme; billionaire claims ignorance, flies to tropical resort to pout.
Solve all of your life's problems in a split second - click HERE and NOW!
Whatever you're doing right now causes cancer.
Whatever you did yesterday cures cancer.
Your country is collapsing.
Apocalypse-ready? You will be with your own salt cave - leasing NOW!
"We live in the greatest country in the world," declares native mediocrity.
War starts in some other country, verifying less-greatness.
Someone briefly famous 40 years ago died ...andsodidmanyotherpeoplewhoareirrelevant.
Celebrity revealed as merely human - FOR SHAME!
Pseudo-celebrity disses para-celebrity - internet EXPLODES!
Cute photos of animals...whose homes were razed to build server farms!
Global warming is a hoax.
Scuba gear prices up 500%.
Global warming will ruin everything.
Beachside cottages with optional salt caves leasing NOW!
Deadly new virus emerges!...In Africa, so who cares.
Loony new cult worships deceased insane person.
Which church is the right one for YOU?
New $300 million movie bombs in North America.
New $300 million bomber bombs in Middle East.
Anti-terrorism coordinator: "We must terrorize for freedom."
Billions in foreign aid provided to future enemies.
Billions in domestic aid provided to current oppressors.
United Nations debates acknowledging bitter irony of own name.
Elections are no cause for alarm.
The next election will decide the COURSE OF YOUR LIFE!
"You'll have some rights left," says the left.
"You'll be left with no rights," says the right.
Democracy is dying.
"Good," say minorities voted into poverty by majority.
Democracy is stronger than EVER!
"And we'll keep it that way!" say oligarchs hiding behind layered security.
Should migrants be killed and flown back, or flown back to be killed?
Tech gurus declare sexism, misogyny unacceptable.
Serial Rapist Sim 7: Now in VR!
Overpopulation is dangerous and unsustainable.
SEX! SEX! SEX!
You're beautiful just the way you are!
You're HIDEOUS without this pricey new ensemble!
Cowardly, childish shut-ins are major social problem.
OPINION: If she didn't want to get shot, then she shouldn't have answered the door!
We're probably living in a simulation.
"But we shouldn't assume that it's Serial Rapist Sim 7," states visibly nervous scientist.
Appreciate the finer things to live longer!
Study: Appreciating the finer things causes cancer.
Stressed? Try the new EarScreamer!
Extinct pigeon voted new state bird.
"We won't die as quickly or thoroughly as it did!" declares governor.
Streamer hikes prices.
Hiker prices stream; "I need money to buy a more telegenic walking stick."
Parents panic as toddler briefly hides from monitor drones in playground.
Conglomerate acquires agglomeration; laid-off employees struggle to discover which one they worked for.
"Ours is a religion of peace," claim beheaders.
Embarrassing bloodstains? Try the new SpinScrub - it spins until you're clean as a holy book!
Invasion defended as self-defense.
Invasion of privacy defended as self-fulfillment.
Where they ban books, they will also ban people.
OPINION: Now that we're banned people, we should start banning bans on bans!
Fascist calls other fascist "communist."
Communist calls other communist "fascist."
Anarchist calls fascist, communist "dickheads," flings pamphlets in air, runs away.
Capitalist hires fascist, communist, anarchist for new reality show: "Ruin That Century!"
Internet use kills brain cells.
Your IQ is over 140 if you can solve this 92-page online quiz!
POINT: Ideas are dangerous. It's time to stop having them.
COUNTERPOINT: Agreed, but we need more franchise ideas first. You can only reboot something so many times!
Conspiracy theorist arrested for sending self death threats: "That sum-bitch is lying to me!"
Jury acquits gunman; victims "didn't beg for their lives hard enough" says foreman.
Pristine new moon discovered; jealous Earthlings vow to messily crash spacecraft into it "at any cost."
Female objectification is wrong.
You won't BELIEVE these plunging necklines (number 8 will cause spontaneous comBUSTion)!
Our prices are so low, you'd think we use slave labor!
(But you'd have to go lower in our supply chain to find it!)
If a tree falls and no one vlogs it, does it make a hashtag?
That was the news.
...But it ain't news to me.